Well-Ordered Chaos » seasonal mood changes

That was NOT decaf

Addy — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:29:48 +0000

I went to Peet’s Coffee before my art class tonight and ordered a small soy-milk decaf dark chocolate mocha. Yes, OK, I’m one of THOSE people. It was evening, I have trouble digesting milk, and if I had my way the chocolate wouldn’t have had sugar in it at all. So sue me.

Anyway, within ten minutes of finishing it I could tell it wasn’t decaf.

Which is why it’s now 12:52 a.m. and I’m writing this blog post instead of even trying to go to sleep.

Maintaining my schedule is a delicate balance. It’s still a work in progress. As I’ve written before, it’s been difficult to regain my sleep cycle since the days started getting shorter, but I finally did it … only to have my schedule thrown to hell by having to manage a rodent invasion. The rodents have finally been dealt with. Now I’ve got the the time change looming at the end of the week. In six more days, I’ll get an extra hour of sleep, at the cost of a precious hour of daylight in the evening.

Not looking forward to it.

Angry at Astrophysics

Addy — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:20:24 +0000

I realized today that for the third time in a week, I forgot to take my meds this morning. This is not good.

When this realization struck, I took a few minutes to think about the ways in which my self care has gone off the rails the last few weeks My appetite has been all over the map, so some days I’ve been eating enough to sustain me through a long hibernation, while others I just haven’t been hungry at all to the point of forgetting meals. My sleep has been even more effected. I’m exhausted in the morning, and if I don’t set an alarm I will sleep until noon (and could sleep longer if I don’t force myself out of bed). My energy is low all day, and doesn’t pick up until 10 pm, making it hard to get to sleep before 3 am.

Of course, the whole thing is a cascading clusterf***. It begins with oversleeping, so if I remember to take my meds I’m taking them at noon, meaning they don’t wear off until late evening, and then my meals are all off by a few hours, and forgetting to take my meds wreaks havoc with my appetite, so I’m a bit spacey all day, until I hit my late-night energy surge and can’t go to sleep when I’d like.

Now, I’m of a pagan-y turn of mind, which means that I like to mark the turning of the seasons in some way, however simple. This year, I haven’t done my equinox ritual. Pondering this fact, I realized that it’s due at least in part my reluctance to engage with the diminishing sunlight. As the daylight fades, so does my brain, and I resent this like hell.

Resentment does not change the earth’s axial tilt, or any other inconvenient fact of astrophysics. But pretending the resentment isn’t there just because it’s irrational doesn’t make it go away. I know from past experience that if I don’t stop and take stock every now and again, if I don’t realign myself with the natural world, if I try to pretend that my non-rational spiritual needs can just be reasoned away, there will be hell to pay.

So I did my equinox ritual. I sat in my art studio, which has the least natural light in the house (yeah, I know), and fixed myself a healthy lunch because I needed to eat, even though I wasn’t conscious of being hungry. I lit some candles and sat in front of them. I made my lunch into a ritual meal, and as I ate I focused on my need to take care of myself. I admitted to myself that I’m angry about the shorter days, that I’ve been sort of in denial about this fact, and that I was trying to carry on as if nothing was happening. I admitted to myself that the world around me is turning inward to rest up for Spring, and that this has very real and profound effect on my body. As the world around me slows down, so must I; I must be slower and more conscious in my daily habits. I need to take care of myself.

As the fog rolled in, slowly dimming the sunlight and making the room even darker, I sat and enjoyed my lunch. Instead of framing my thoughts in terms of what has to get done today, I thought about what might be in the best interests of my body. I rested. Then I closed the window against the cold, damp autumn, and withdrew to the warmth and light of my home.

Light therapy for ADD?

Addy — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 05:47:03 +0000

Last year I was trying to carry on without brain meds of any kind. To do this I had to be incredibly careful with my diet — almost no refined sugar and no caffeine, sufficient amounts of protein, and plenty of greens (don’t know why, but they help my concentration). I did great during the Spring, a bit less well in the summer fog, a lot less well once the days started getting shorter, and then I CRASHED COMPLETELY when daylight savings time ended. Losing an hour of daylight played hell with my mood, and with all the effort that was required to barely hold my mood together, I had nothing left for concentration.

So in November I started taking zoloft again. It turned out that I only need 12.5 mgs, which is not that much, to keep my mood at a reasonable* level. I still couldn’t concentrate, so by January I started taking Vyvanse. The anxiety that had bothered me all autumn vanished within half an hour of taking my first dose. Within a few days,I felt pretty much like I did during the previous Spring, when I could set my mind to do something and actually get it done.

Now here it is, autumn once more. My mood is fine, thanks to that tiny dose of zoloft, but my motivation is shot to hell, and in spite of the meds, I just want to eat all the food in the house and hibernate.

I decided to go back to stimulants because the amount of sun that happens is just not up to me. That being said, I know friends and family members who’ve gotten great results for depression by using sun lamps. It’s not the same as a full day of natural sunlight, but it’s enough to get them through the worst of their low winter mood. So this year I’m going to try light therapy for my ADD. I’ll let you know how it goes.

*where “reasonable” is defined as “not bursting into tears because, ya know, my cats are going to die some day.”

so very tired

Addy — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:05:21 +0000

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been sluggish the last few days, and today I’ve just been exhausted. Maybe it’s the days getting shorter. I definitely felt better when I was working in my studio with my full-spectrum lighting.

Today I was supposed to spend an hour on chores, a few hours doing online stuff, and several hours on music and art. The chores just completely slipped my mind (I was charging my phone, so I didn’t get the SMS reminder and got distracted by a book I was reading). I did get the internet work done, and spent a few hours in the studio, and now I’m off to work on music stuff. And then to bed, at a reasonable hour, hopefully to sleep long and deeply.

Time Management, Day 3

Addy — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:55:43 +0000

On Monday I sat down and made myself a new schedule on my gmail calendar. Have I mentioned how much I love my gmail calendar? I’ve got it set to give me reminders via e-mail, SMS, and pop-ups at various times. I also have nice color coding of my activities:

My gmail calendar

But, yesterday morning I overslept, meaning it was noon before I ate and got it together enough to get anything done. No chores for me. I was on time for my student, but since I was hungry by the time I got to the grocery store (an errand that shows up below the bottom of the screenshot), I was distracted and it took much longer than it should have. By the time I came home and ate supper, I was hungry and tired, and wound up missing the reminder to go work on art.

Then I got distracted by the internet.

I’m frustrated, but I’m going to try sticking to this for a few days and see what happens. Today has been good so far — worked out, got chores done, writing this post — and now it’s just about time to shift gears and hit the studio.